Earlier this year I moved out of home and over to Melbourne, bringing sewing patterns without a sewing machine. This is a list of five things I have since learned.
1. Going to the supermarket is like descending in to the moron zone
Being within a walking distance of a Woolworths seems to have convinced me that I am above making a shopping list. Because I can just go whenever I need something, the voice of arrogance makes mental note of what I’m missing (generally something like ‘vegetables’, ‘cereal’ or ‘shampoo’) and then handily converts it into “buy three more of that thing you already have”, or “oooh tea is on sale, even though you don’t have any sugar, honey or milk”. Or simply “teevee snacks”. At one point I had all of the tomatoes in the universe and three boxes of cereal, two of which were the same, but no rice, potatoes or any other kind of nutrition.
2. Mi Goreng is most likely constructed from at least 70% Cocaine
You decide you don’t need it. A month goes by. Then your housemate buys some, and you think – “haven’t had that in a while.” Next thing you know there is a black hole in your memory, but you’re surrounded by empty packets and half used bumbu, wondering why it feels as though your intestines have corroded. You decide to cheer yourself up with some Mi Goreng.
3. Furniture is expensive.
How is it that people have tables? And chairs? Some of which apparently belong together in a matching thing called a “set”? I have a bed and a desk, the latter of which was a pity trade from my housemate for the one I got off Gumtree for $20 which turned out to be half the size of my room. As I tearfully sat on the floor holding a saw, debating whether to use it either on myself or the monstrous beast of a desk which could have been used to invade Troy, he came in and switched. Also all my clothes are still in a suitcase. It has been four months.
4. It’s ok to sometimes be a Nigel No-Friends
I don’t mean this in some deeply symbolic way. Literally, you can go to cafes, movies, anything alone, and it can be awesome, though when it is 9pm on a Friday night and you are getting a table for one at the local pho place, accidentally add too much chilli and as a result get teary and sniffly, people aren’t going to be impressed at how much spice you can handle. They’re going to think you were stood up.
5. There is such a thing as too much Stargate
It’s cold, and sometimes you don’t feel like going straight to bed. Having powered through Game of Thrones, Suits and True Blood, I finally settled in to my long-planned watching of Stargate from Season 1 through to Season 10. I’m not sure what happened, but apparently around Season 4, the writers got attacked by the IT MUST BE LITERAL police and started writing episodes such as “Watergate” (about a Stargate leading into water) and “Double Jeopardy” (where the team’s doubles get into jeopardy.) Fine. I’ll just go to bed.