When sports day rolled around each year, we had compulsory try outs. I’m not athletic. I can’t jump very high. I’m extremely clumsy – I broke my arm tripping over a speed bump. So, being forced to simultaneously run, breathe and jump hurdles, all roads would inevitably lead to death. Or at the very least, diabolically grassy head injuries.
Fortunately, the rules recognised the existence of severe n00bs, and as a result, factored in an “out”. To this day, I still struggle to get motivated. Making it past hurdles, literal or metaphorical, is difficult and so I take the same approach now that I did then; running a brief distance, stopping, kicking over said hurdle, then casually strolling over it while the real participants sprint ahead, collect their coloured ribbons and move onto the softball throw.
Unfortunately, this approach when applied to all manner of tasks is flawed, in that it is a) slow, b) the epitome of not really trying, and c) a path you can be easily distracted off of. Also, when you get into the metaphorical, some hurdles just can’t be kicked over.
Essentially this post resulted from me trying to write my review for The Avengers, putting on music, and then not being able to form anything other than nonsensical mongrel sentences consisting of part lyrics, part drooling over Joss Whedon. Music, particularly the new, unfamiliar or violently catchy is the hurdliest hurdle of all. So, instead of being properly productive, I have compiled a list of the top 5 songs which render me incapable of doing simple tasks.
1. Masquerade, from the Phantom of the Opera Soundtrack
Really I’m incapable of doing anything when any Andrew Lloyd Webber soundtrack is playing as everything just becomes disproportionately epic and intense. I chose this one though, because so much is going on at every point in Masquerade; it’s made up of about ten conversations and the whole piece sounds like chandeliers dropping. It becomes impossible to do things like ‘rage out about Firefly’ or ‘shop’ because reality seems less real.
2. Moskau, by Dschinghis Khan
A Hungarian Eurovision band siging about Moscow. Main singer dancing athletically whilst dressed as a young Santa. Enough said.
3. Walking In The Air, from The Snowman
I actually don’t really have jokes about this song. Because it’s all poignant and things.
4. Du Hast, by Rammstein
This song distracts attention one of three ways. Either you’re feebly attempting to resist violent, pain-inducing head-banging, kidding yourself that you remember sufficient German from your year 9 Deutsch class, or your subconscious has forced you out of your room, into your car, and on your way to Rivers to clean up at their apparently never-ending t-shirt and fugly womens’ shoes sale.
5. Walk Like a Man, by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons
Makes me stress that the song is making me actually walk like a man, much like Stayin’ Alive makes me walk like a douche. Also makes me picture Robert Downey Junior and think about Ghosts. Which then branches into either Unchained Melody or Heart and Soul, the latter of which ends in a doom spiral, as I don’t actually know how it ends. Triggers non-stop mental playlists, which then devour all my time and productivity.